Is Confidence What You Really Need?

Have you ever been in a situation where you’ve got a bit nervous and desperately wished that you weren’t so afraid and or anxious?

At times like these you may have been told ‘all you need is a little confidence to see you through it’. There have been plenty of times I’ve work hard to psych myself up and gone through the emotional turmoil to get that confidence, only to find the next time I face the same situation I’m feeling nervous all over again. This cycle can become extremely frustrating and there must be some other alternative right?

So how can you get that unshakeable fearlessness?

Confidence is preached, packaged and sold to us as the solution for all of our problems. If you’re not getting the gorgeous men or women you want it is because you have no confidence, if you lose weight it will give you more confidence, what will make you stand out in an interview… that’s right, confidence.

But is it right of us to put so much confidence … in confidence? After all it isn’t something we can ever hope to be a constant in our lives, even the most confident people have moments of self-doubt and their abilities to maintain confidence wavers. The truth of the matter is we all have good days and bad, one day we feel like king of the world and the next we feel like we can’t do anything right. You may have tactics and strategies to build up your confidence but you will find that regardless of how much you think you have, just one setback, or failure (which we all eventually experience) and your confidence is out the window.

Call me a cynic but this doesn’t sound like a solid base for any personal development. The reason it is so shaky is because confidence is directly linked to emotion. Confidence is drawn from positive emotions in order to drown out all those negative thoughts and doubts and if you’ve ever seen anyone psyche themselves up before they have to perform on stage or give a sales presentation you’ll see them fighting against themselves in order to stamp out these negative emotions in order to help feel the positive.

Do truly successful people put themselves through this emotional roller-coaster every time they get a contract, a phone number from a person at the bar, or get that job they wanted? In fact, do you ever see those people with effortless success even break a sweat? No? That is because they’ve mastered a different skill to confidence. They employ a counter intuitive skill: Indifference.

The confidence of indifference

Rather than be ruled by emotion take a different approach to your challenge. Let go of the process (of what you’re actually doing) and enter a state of inner peace; absorbing & accepting the possibility of all things good and bad into your everyday reality.

These successful people put little more thought into their actions than the thought they would put into taking a sip of water. They are aware of the consequences, accept them, and do the action anyway. By doing this they no longer allow confidence the ability to dictate that things have to go well or be lived up to expectations, taking away the emotional sting of rejection or failure. It just doesn’t emotionally register.

Being indifferent allows you to be focused on your higher purpose, whether it be starting a business, getting a successful job or just finding a rewarding and fulfilling relationship, it avoids attributing an emotional importance to your actions. In other words, your passion in life always comes before the opinions and judgements of others. Simply see an opportunity for an interesting interaction, and just do it. The purpose dictates how you should feel and not the opinions of others. At no point should you be worried that the world will end, your sense of self will be shattered if the presentation is met by dumb stares or you get rejected at the bar. If anything you should find it funny if you did! Why? Because if this one little event in your life goes a bit awry then it is merely a blip on their radar in life

So how do you apply indifference to your life?

Learn to feel good about your life, quickly.

1. With a pen & paper, scribble down 10 things that make you feel good

2. Write down all the reasons the world is better off having you in it.

3. List all the people you love and who love you.

4. List all the activities you enjoy and are pleased of.

5. List of all the things you have done that you are pleased of.

7. How much fun do you have? If you answer is not much then change that first.

8. How often does something in your day make you smile? If you answer is not much then change that straight away.

Learn to replace anxiety with fun, quickly.

Start with the most important items on that list, getting you to have fun and smile more, every day. Instead of shuffling around, looking glum, seeking validation from people, start to seek amusement for yourself. Think to yourself ‘I don’t care about what you think! I’m having fun’.

A great way to get you on board with this new mentality is…

The Applause Exercise

The applause exercise is designed to push your social boundaries. Instead of feeling that crippling anxiety at doing things, you’ll start to enjoy socially scary behavior for the fun of it.

The next time you’re watching the end credits of a film at the cinema, or on a plane coming into land, be that one ‘cringe worthy’ person who starts loudly clapping.

I want you to accept that you’re going to look a little silly for a moment, but do it anyway, and take pleasure in the fact you’re having your own private little joke. Whilst everyone may be thinking ‘What a weirdo’, you’ll be thinking right back, ‘I’m currently the person who’s having the most fun right now!’

Once you’ve mastered this applause exercise you can try seeking the fun of anxiety in a variety of situations. Maybe the next time you’re out somewhere ask for directions in broken English or a different accent, or start laughing loudly in an elevator full of people. Just enjoy yourself and revel in the delight of the awkwardness of the situation, enjoy this playfulness and be indifferent to the reactions of others.

At the end of the day confidence is about predicting that things will go well and indifference is about having fun even if they don’t. Indifference will reward you with smiles. It will give you the ability to approach people, and go after what you want, even if that is clapping over enthusiastically in a silent cinema. Unlike confidence, it won’t punish you if you don’t get exactly the response you want. Instead, it will help you to see even the most awkward of situations to be within spectrum of your happiness.

So get out there and have fun being indifferent!

David Archer has been providing straight forward life advice for the last ten year. He has just started offering email consultations helping people acquire the tools to help themselves achieve their goals in life.

If you are interested in contacting David for a e-consultation click here and complete the form with your query.